My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
