She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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