don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
