I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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