Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
