So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
