I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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