Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
