i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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