My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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