I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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