even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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