Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
