She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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