she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
P.S. I can't hear my feet
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
