Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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