Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
