I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
