Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
