i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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