I just cut my nipple shaving
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
