Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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