the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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