this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His nipple licking is glorious
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