She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
