She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
