she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
