Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
