Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
