I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
