i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
