She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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