Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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