Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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