my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
