That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
