From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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