I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
