I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
