I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
