I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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