how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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