I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
