i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
