in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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