i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
