my mouth tastes like poor choices
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
