Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
