Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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