she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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