direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize