i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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