I'm pants shitting drunk right now
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
