M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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