I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
