Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
