Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
