I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize