dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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