Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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