Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
