Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
