After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize