He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
