i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
